Circus Day

Thursday was Circus Day at Joshua's Mother Day Out. Andi and I had a great day watching Joshua perform as a lion in the 3 ring circus. Because this was the first performance of its kind for us I had no idea what to expect. Joshua is always singing and doing "tricks" at home, but I wasn't sure how he would do in front of his peers and their parents. 

Needless to say, he had no stage fright at all. In fact, he ran to the front of the line so that he could be the very first. He stood up on the chair, roared a ferocious roar and jumped through the firery hoop (a hula hoop with orange felt triangles taped around it). After talking with several mothers I learned that the kids had been practicing all week. I think our one day a week worked out for us this time. Most of the other children wouldn't wear their mask or perform the feats of doom, but Joshua didn't have any time to get nervous about it. 

The performance was followed by games, balloon animals, bubbles, popcorn, and lemonade. Basically, all the things that Joshua loves. Good day at school this week.

Eastery Photos

Even though we weren't able to get out, we created some fun in the backyard with an egg hunt and a cookout.

Andi was on the prowl for Easter Eggs.

Joshua chose a Nascar racing Easter basket when we bought it at the store last week. Not the most stylish of Easter baskets, but he is obviously proud of it.

Michael has already declared 2008 as the year of the grill!

Easter at Home

This is the first Easter that Jana and I haven't been to church, and that's okay. We're reasonably sure God still likes us.

We find ourselves at home on this Resurrection Day because our doctors sent us home on Friday from the hospital although Joshua's blood counts hadn't gone up. Because they hadn't gone up, they sent us with specific instructions to for seclusion: no egg hunts, no church, no restaurants. So we have been hiding in our house and yard for the past couple of days.

Tomorrow (Monday) we go back to the clinic to check Joshua's blood counts and hopefully rejoin the world.

Tonight as I put Joshua down for the night we read the resurrection story. We have been talking about it alot recently, reading the Last Supper a couple of nights ago, then the crucifixion, and saving the Easter story for tonight. So there's the scene, as depicted in Joshua's children's Bible: the soldiers cowering in fear, the stone rolled away, the angel declaring that Jesus has risen, and then there's picture of the women when Jesus appears to them on the road as they're leaving.

Then there's Joshua's expressing himself: "He's back! Woo-hoo! They thought he was gone, but now He's back! And He is alive!"

Yes He is, son. Both then, and now.

In Case You're Curious...

We are still here in the hospital. Joshua's blood counts have only improved a little, but the good news is, they have improved. The doctors would like to see them get a bit higher before we head out into the world. It looks like we will have a chance to go home tomorrow. Maybe we will be home in time to rest up for a big Easter Egg Hunt.

Tucson: 1 of 2

Tuscon 1: The Cousin Fun

Michael's brother moved to Arizona about 2 years ago, but this weekend was the first time we have been able to visit. Eric and Jenni were wonderful hosts and their children were excellent playmates for Joshua and Andi. We were able to visit University of Arizona, where Eric works, hike around Palamino Mountain, eat at some amazing restaurants, and even go out on a double date while the kids hung out with a baby-sitter. These portions of our trip were fun and we look forward to visiting again someday to catch the sites we had to miss.

Tucson: 2 of 2

Tucson: Emergency Happenings

It makes me terribly sad that our very fun trip included two trips to the Emergency Room. The first came Saturday morning when Joshua woke up in a very crummy mood with continous chills. It was not his normal demeanor so I called to doctor to just ask a few questions and the response was find an ER in Tucson. We were sent home hours later with fluids and good blood counts.

Our fun resumed the next day, but at midnight on Sunday, the fever hit. Michael drove him back to the ER, where we learned that Joshua's ANC had dropped from 2400 to 800 (500 is an automatic admission to the hospital) Michael called to tell me the doctors in Tucson and Nashville were giving us the choice to be admitted there or come home to be admitted. As much as we love the warm weather in Tucson, we wanted Joshua to be treated by the doctors that know him best.

So, we drove to Pheonix to catch the most direct flight. Joshua did a great job wearing a mask throughout the airport for his protection. (He gets to choose a new toy as soon as we go to Target next!--A good time for bribery, I'd say) He slept the entire 3 1/2 hour flight. He woke up saying, "We forgot to watch a movie." We quickly went home, to repack for the ER here in Nashville. Within about an hour of being off the plane and waiting for a room at Vanderbilt, Joshua's fever had climbed to 103.

We are now back on the 6th floor again waiting for Joshua's counts to start on the upswing. (ANC is about 400 today) Every nurse of doctor that has come in wants to hear a little of our big adventure to Arizona. Joshua just tells them that the prickly pear cactus hurts, but that he told it to leave him alone.

You've Never Heard Anything Like It

My friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Smith, Jr, recently preached at a church in our area, and I've sat weeping in my office for the last 2 hours. That's right, 2 hours. Here's what the big bad preaching professor did - First Baptist Church of Hendersonville has 3 morning services. Dr. Smith refused to repeat his talk. He preached 3 different sermons. The first one was a modest 31 minutes for the early crowd; the second was an hour and 15; the third was a strong hour and a half, and it goes by in a second.

I've been in church my whole life, studied preaching, and heard my share of great communicators. Dr. Smith is the best I've ever heard. It will be worth the time investment for you to listen.

A Toothy Grin

Solacious Appetite

I have heard this phrase used many times and never really knew its exact meaning. Today, I took the time to look it up on dictionary.com . Solacious - affording solace. Solace - comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort. I can now say that I have seen a solacious appetite first hand. As we've said before, Joshua has to take steroids for 5 days in conjunction with his monthly large chemo treatments. Among the worst side effects of the steroids are huge mood swings and a enormous appetite. I am unsure about the reason for Joshua's need to eat, but I think it mostly comes from a need to comfort himself. My prayer for him is that this appetite can one day be exchanged for a hunger and thirst for Christ himself. For now, it makes for some very interesting days.

Joshua woke up today in a great mood; laughing, giggling, making jokes, and singing songs. Then, the hunger that comes with steroids hit. Today's menu is as follows:

 6:45 - 2 frozen waffles with syrup

 7:00 - fruit cup

 7:10 - corn Chex with blueberries and milk

8:30 - Chik-fil-A drive thru

    We "shared" chicken minis, hashbrowns, and fruit

9:45 - crackers at CBS

11:30 - walks out of CBS talking about plans for lunch

11:35 - falls asleep in the car

12:05 - wakes up as we drive by McAlister's Deli

     (This becomes the new plan)

12:15 - entire Spud Max (pictured above)

 2:30 - bag of popcorn

 3:30 - applesauce

Questions about dinner started immediately after the last snack.

If you are wondering how we let him have this much food, know that for every item eaten, there are requests that are nonstop for even more. Tonight our sweet friend, Sarah is coming to babysit. I hope she is prepared for the mayhem of 'roid rage!

Certainty?

Maybe you’ve had a similar experience to this—you stand at a crossroads in life, and you want to make the wisest choice. So you go out to the woods, or wherever you go to think, and you say to God, “I have two choices here. And I’m not coming out of these trees until you tell me which way to go.” So you sit. As the sun goes down, you hear nothing.

What are you supposed to do with that?

I am beginning to believe that there are very few things in life that we can be absolutely certain of; that at best, most of our decisions have to have the honest tagline associated with them: “I’m pretty sure this is what God wants me to do.” And to take it a step further, I believe God wants it to be that way.

Now I think it should be said that in these decisions, the two options ahead of you aren’t things like, “Should I go pray for an hour or should I rob the local bank?” I’m certain there is certainty in that decision, and I think I can say with confidence that God doesn’t want you to become a career criminal. But what about the choice between 2 jobs, to take a promotion or not, to move to this city or that, or to choose one college over the other? Those decisions aren’t so cut and dry.

We tend to believe that God wants us to be absolutely certain of His will, to charge headlong our decisions absolutely convinced this is the right thing to do. While that would be nice, it’s not real-life. And maybe, just maybe, it’s not even supposed to be.

Wait a minute. Doesn’t that contradict the words of Hebrews 11, the classic definition of faith that is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see?” I don’t think so, mainly because all of the people the writer of Hebrews uses to illustrate his point are people that were convinced of some things and not the others. They were convinced God was with them. They were convinced they would have reward in heaven. They were convinced of the eternal reality of their Lord. In short, they were sure of God.

As Mark Batterson puts it in his Threads study, Chase the Lion, there needs to be both a degree of certainty and uncertainty in our spiritual lives. We can be convinced of the reality of Jesus Christ and yet be pretty sure about our career choice. We can be certain about the cross and be reasonable confident about our relationships. In fact, the sureness of God is what enables us to move forward, regardless of our degree of uncertainty.

That forward motion is a better picture of what biblical faith looks like. The word “believe” has a much different connotation in Hebrew than in Greek. In Greek and English, the word means intellectually assenting to a particular set of facts. But in Hebrew, the word can also be translated as “steadfastness.” It’s the same word used in Exodus 17 when Moses raised his hands all day long to enable the Israelites to win a key battle. From that we take that in Hebrew, believing is more about moving forward, action, than it is about an intellectual assent or knowledge.

What does all this mean? To me, it means that because I am sure of God, I have the ability to make decisions. I can move forward steadfastly because I am trusting in God more than in my ability to be sure. It means I can take risks. It means I can trust the wisdom of God more than my own wisdom to choose rightly. It means, I guess, that I can have faith.

And maybe that’s why God doesn’t want certainty in our lives. If we were completely certain about everything, doesn’t that eliminate the need for faith at all? Doesn’t it remove the need for us to be in constant, intimate communication with God? Doesn’t it decrease our dependence on Him? I think it does.

So I’m tired of second-guessing my decisions, worrying about whether I’ve missed the plan of God. I think maybe God is tired of it, too. And maybe, just maybe, what He still wants from me, and from you, as always, is not certainty—it’s faith.

Latest Update

The plan today was for Joshua's monthly check-up, Vincristin, and spinal tap. Because Joshua's spinal tap requires sedation, he has to go to clinic without food or drink. Today Joshua woke up with a stomach ache. I assumed it was either because he was really hungry or there were more issues with his liver. On the drive to the hospital, Joshua continued to complain about his tummy and began to dry heave. I was concerned.

When we arrived at the clinic, Ms. Emily, our nurse, was very kind to us both. She quickly accessed his port and started him on intraveneous fluids. It turns out he was just dehydrated. Dr. Zeiber checked him from head to toe, including all of his numbers, and said she thought he was doing great. She also gave me several suggestions about how to avoid the dehydration on Joshua's next sedation visit. Strangely, she thought it was very likely that this was due to his rapid growth (another quarter of an inch and one pound lost). I guess he just has a very active metabolism right now!

The spinal tap went well, with no complications. By the end of the day, Joshua was eating popcorn and hanging out like any other day.