The Sin of Not Waiting

Last night, Joshua took his last dose of steroids for the month. So, the side effects will slowly fade away throughout today. All in all, this week has not been that bad. Thursday, however, was a very tough day for Joshua. He woke up with very bad allergies, achy from the previous day's chemo, and highly irritable from the steroids. Joshua spent most of the morning crying and screaming. I didn't know what to do. He refused to go to Mother's Day Out and did not want rest on the couch. Finally, at around 10:30, I fed him and Andi lunch and put them both back to bed. I needed to regroup. 

By the end of the day, Joshua started to perk up and even made it to a friend's birthday party. Me, on the other hand...I felt like a failure. I couldn't understand why, out of all the days we've shared together with the same crazy drugs, I couldn't figure out how to make this one better. I stayed calm all day. I went through the motions and phrases to try and comfort Joshua, but my heart was so weary. I just wanted it all to be over with.

Then, yesterday, at church, our pastor spoke on "The Sin of Not Waiting" from the first 8 verses of Exodus 32, when Aaron fashioned a golden calf while waiting for Moses to return from the mountain. Scott talked about the sadness of the passage. How sad it was that the people chose their temporary satisfaction, the relieving of their fears and discomforts, over waiting for the Lord to speak through Moses. 

Even though I know the exact date that Joshua's treatment will come to an end, I still feel the pull of waiting. As I give into the anxiety of waiting, I feel myself giving in to my fears, being selfish, and using other things to fill my time. With the message yesterday, I realize that waiting for the Lord to get us through to the next phase of life will allow me to know the Lord and love others well. 

Waiting is a part of life, but most of the time I see it as something to just get through. I want to be a better "waiter" than that, one that waits with hope in the future, but recognizes the value of the process in getting there.