Andi turned 11 months this week. It has brought about loads of different thoughts and feelings in me. Obviously, I love to see her grow and develop. She's walking like a semi-pro. She's eating table food and drinking from a sippy cup. She even seems to be trying to have conversations with us. Her babble goes high and low and pauses like she wants a response. All of this is really fun, but there is more going on within my heart than just that.
As I look back on the last 11 months, I wonder how it is I feel like a missed so many moments. I mean, I was here. I saw her roll over for the first time. I celebrated when she slept through the night (I still celebrate when that happens). I was first to see each shiny new tooth, but still I feel like it all slipped by. I took fewer pictures than I should have. I didn't rock her nearly enough, and I didn't play on the floor long enough while she was still staying in one place.
I guess what I am wondering is if this all normal for the second child or is it somehow related, like everything else in our world, to leukemia. It seems contradictory to think about your 3 year old's health before that of your 6 month old's. It also seems contradictory to spend far more time with your older one at the doctor's office than your younger. But, sadly, all of that is true. If Andi gets sick, I hate it for her, but I fear for Joshua, too.
With Joshua I was always awaiting the next stage, excited to move on. With Andi, I'm learning, maybe a bit too late, to enjoy each stage. I'm glad that all these feelings are here at 11 months because one month from now when we are celebrating a 1st birthday. I want to do just that...celebrate! I know without a doubt that Andi makes our days brighter. I guess I just hope that we are doing the same for her days.
7 comments:
Oh Jana, we need to sit and talk. I had/have many of those feelings when I look back at pictures of Eli. Jeffrey and I feel like we missed so much with him during Jeffrey's time in the hospital and radiation. I have had to give it up and trust that either Eli doesn't remember any of it, or that God used it to create Eli into the wonderful little man he is today. Either way, I had to deal with some things on my part....I guess all mothers do. Love you guys.
In my opinion, I think a lot of the wistfulness is the product of being busy with an older sibling--health issues or not. We have the same issue--Mayzie has seemingly gone from a newborn to a toddler overnight, whereas it seemed that Azelynn's first year lasted for.ev.er. But think of all the terrific things she's getting as a little sister that Joshua missed out on--an excellent peek-a-boo partner, someone to be goofy with, and a buddy that no one else can compare with. These younger siblings have to deal with some trade-offs, but they also have some neat perks. :-) I know you guys are doing a fantastic job with *both* of them!
Wow. Those are heavy thoughts. I have similar ones, not because of an existing illness, but I just wonder if I'm equally exerting enough energy on all three kids. My only consolation is that I know somehow God is in control of the time we all spend here, my memories and more importantly their memories, and that maybe one day in heaven I won't dwell so much on lost time, because then life will be eternal...
Jana, after completely missing 4 of the first 12 weeks of Wesley's life (not holding her, feeding her, etc.) because of Gage being in the hospital...and barely being able to help her when we were home, I totally understand your feelings. I just have to remind myself that it is the LORD who holds all things together...including my family. He can provide even when I cannot, and I must trust that. Colossians 1:17 has encouraged me in my sadness and loss of time with Wesley (and Avery & Ellie too): He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Praying that you can rightly grieve the losses of what the cancer has stolen, but that you can continue to trust the Lord in the midst of it.
Hu! I'm glad to hear these thoughts. Kiley's teacher just sent a note out Thursday requesting 10 pictures of Kiley (just Kiley)by May 1st for a pre-school slide show. Guess what? I don't have 10 pictures of her just her. What?? I have like 10,000 of Parker all scrapbooked and cute... His first diaper, his first french fry, his first fall, his first underwear, park experience, walk, block tower etc. Kiley's are like the commerical - stuck in the digital camera and none of them by herself. HA! But in Kiley's words, "Oooo Mom, we can put all of these in a scrapbook mom - that would be SO fun!" So we will bond one day over a scarpbook and I am looking forward to it!!
I know our experience with 2 kids has not been the same as your family but know that you are not alone. I think most moms feel that they "missed" moments in their second child's life. I look at Evan & think where did my baby boy go??
I think with our first child, it was easier to focus & give all of our attention to them so we feel like we remember everything easier.
I know that Andi is such a happy baby & loves you guys so much! I also know that you & Michael do the best with the time you have with each child & as a family.
We love you!
I've only been in this two-kid thing for 10 weeks so I'm certainly no expert in this department. But what I can say for certainty is that with every 'new' thing Levi does, I have to remind myself to take a picture, to savor it, to enjoy it in the moment so I don't forget it or pass over it. I think it has a lot to do with busyness with the first child (like the above comment mentioned as well) & just having more to deal with. You are a wonderful mother with 2 beautiful kiddos!
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