Top Ten Race Moments

Another great picture by Rich. 

You may not be able to see us, but we're between the Kenyans.

1. Michael knocked a girl in the head as he posed for a picture (see the last post).

2. My Team in Training buddies surprised me by all wearing Joshua's picture on their backs as they ran.

3. We saw Rebecca and Allison at mile 5, 12, and at the "K" after the race. We also saw other friends at miles 4, 7, and 8. Lots of faithful friends!

4. Due to excessive lines at the portapotties, we have now joined the elite group of people who urinate unashamedly behind the McDonald's. Lots of runners joined this group today... and also 2 homeless guys. !

5. We saw friends also running along the way: Andy, Tamra, Heather, Aly, and doctors and nurses from Children's. I guess we're all a bunch of crazies!

6. At one point, Michael passively said, "I have been counting the number of people that we passed since we started. It is 347!" Excitedly, I replied, "Really?!" "No. Not really." Michael knows my love language is winning.

7. In light of #6, since I know it is impossible for me to ever actually win, I was really excited I beat my goal time by nearly 3 minutes. We finished in 2:02:58.

8. On the course, we recognized our blog world friends who's son also has leukemia, Blake and Rebecca Holmes.* 

*We actually spent about 3 hours talking with them Saturday evening after the race. They have officially moved from "those people we stalk in cyberspace" to legitimate friends. Thanks for being an understanding ear to us, Blake and Rebecca. We look forward to our next visit. 

9. Turning right right when the full marathoners went straight. I could not have run another mile. I think Michael enjoyed that part, too.

10. Hugging my sweet kiddos after the race and sitting down to eat a huge stack of pancakes at Cracker Barrel when we were finished. A big thank you to Gram and Papaw for coming to keep Joshua and Andi this weekend and for getting them through the craziness at the finish line.

We Did It

Michael and I completed the Country Music Half Marathon on Saturday and we live to tell about it. In the last post, Michael was so kind about my training, but let's not forget that Michael ran every mile that did, if not more. The only difference is that he kept our kids every Saturday while I ran, and then woke up before any of us to run every Sunday morning. On the course, Michael was the perfect combination of fun and encouragement. We laughed going downhill and cringed going up hill. All in all, it was a great race for a worthy cause. I guess the question now is, when do we start training for the next endurance event?



These great photos were taken by our talented photographer friend Rich Kalonick. Check out his site here.


The family all together when it was all done.

I'm Proud of My Wife

On Saturday, Jana will run the Country Music Half Marathon with Team in Training, the running group that raises money for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I'm super proud of her for doing this. She's worked really hard, and Saturday, though it's supposed to rain all day, will be a cool celebration. So following is a list of reasons I'm proud of Jana this morning in light of this accomplishment.

1. Before starting training, Jana had never run more than 2 miles at a time. She will do 13.1 on Saturday.
2. For the last 4 months, she has faithfully gotten up at 5:30 every Saturday morning and driven to unknown realms around Nashville to run for hours. Yes, hours.
3. Jana is running for Joshua. Just another example of how committed she is to taking care of him, loving him, and doing well by him.
4. She has given up her beloved Dr. Peppers in an effort to do the race as best she can. No small feat.
5. No one has ever looked better in pigtails and a baseball cap.
6. Even after her long runs on Saturdays, she comes home not exhausted, but ready to engage our family.
7. She has given up countless evenings of relaxation, going to the gym alot of nights after the kids go to bed. I, on the other hand, watch Hell's Kitchen.
8. She keeps going. The race is a good metaphor with cancer, for it's also a battle for the caretakers as it is for the kids. In both of these arenas, Jana has been faithful. She keeps going. She keeps running.

They Like Each Other...

...they really like each other!

My Team

Me, Amber, Kristi, and Heather

Kristi, Me, Amber, Scott, Sam, Heather, and Hal (we missed you Aly!)

Training for the 1/2 Marathon has been long and grueling, but also a whole lot of fun. My team receives all the credit for any of that fun. These wonderful people have been encouraging, funny, diligent, welcoming, caring, committed, generous, and kind to me for the past 5 months. I will miss seeing them on a regular basis. Granted, I will not miss the 6:45 am Saturday mornings, but I hope we will continue these new friendships in other ways.

Thank you Team in Training! Enjoy the race on Saturday. You have earned it!

Leave it to Me

So, I have two posts waiting for pictures to be added to them. The only problem is that I accidentally put my camera in my library bag and turned it in with all of our books yesterday. Michael called the library and they had it ready to pick up today. No problem, right?

Today, Joshua, Andi, and I went to the library to pick out some books and to pick up the camera. We found some great books including Dora's Halloween Adventure and Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I also learned today that I can check out children's music CDs. That is great because I was getting really sick of the three CDs we have in the car. Disney Classics are great tunes comparatively. 

But, leave it me to walk out of the library with great books, but without the camera. So, until I make it back to the library, here are my words and stolen pictures.

Land of the Living

Joshua has another ear infection. We went to the clinic this morning. They administered an antibiotic through his port today and will do the same tomorrow and Friday. He will also receive the IGG that has been so helpful in keeping these yucky infections from continually coming back. I can't imagine how bad it would be if that were not helping. Thankfully, Joshua has not had any fever, so we are doing everything out-patient. Three days of appointments is very inconvenient and tiring, but much better than being in the hospital. 

Today, we did have the delight of seeing some clinic friends we had not seen since Halloween. Scott and Martin are 6-year-old twins who were both diagnosed with ALL within 6 months of each other. The excited news for them is that Martin just finished his three years of treatment and Scott will be finished in the first of June. This family has always been an encouragement to me because they are always having fun no matter what the circumstance. Next week, the whole family is going to Jurassic Park at Universal Studios to celebrate Scott's Make-A-Wish. This is what they settled on when Martin was unable to sit on the Wayne's World couch and play his guitar (hilarious!). Today they reminded me that as frustrating as these days are, there is a light in the distance. 

I have been studying Psalms at my CBS class this entire semester. It has been a clear picture of all of the emotions I am constantly embracing and battling. Today, these verse came to mind. Hallelujah! There is a day beyond these three years.

Psalm 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Renee Garcia

I first met Renee in the HEM-ONC clinic several months ago. I noticed her for several reasons. 1. Her husband was in his military uniform. Hard to miss that. 2. She was surrounded by her 4 children and not phased by anything. 3. She had a fantastic double stroller. I was completely jealous :-)

Later, I learned her story, which has inspired me as a mother, as a caretaker, as a wife, and as an American. You can read her story here and vote for her to win the Military Motherhood Award. She is very deserving.

Medicine

As most of you know by now, Joshua takes oral chemo every night along with other medicine on and off for allergies, pain, nausea, and other side effects. From the very beginning for Joshua's treatment, he has been a whiz at taking his medicine. Actually, some of the time he even enjoyed the flavor of a few. Several months ago, I met a woman named Faith with a three-year-old that takes many of the same drugs that Joshua takes. We had been crushing pills, diluting them in water, and then pulling them through a surringe to shoot it into his mouth. Faith told me that she just puts the pill on a spoon covers it with chocolate syrup and lets her son crunch the pills and swallow. I couldn't believe it would work, but Joshua, being the great medicine man, did it. I could put up to 8 small pills on a spoon and he would chew and swallow without batting an eye.

Recently, this has changed. Our process stayed the same for the most part, changing only the flavors from chocolate to jelly or whipped cream, whatever his preference. Two weeks ago after his last round of intravenous chemo, Joshua began to argue and try to put off taking his medicines. This was new territory for us. As I began to ask him why, he first talked about the taste. Thus, introducing the new flavors. After that, he didn't have a reason.

My overactive mind began to work. Is he rebelling against everything he has been through in the past year and a half? Is he aware of the effects that the drugs have on his mood, his stamina, his level of pain?

For now, Joshua is back on the medicine bandwagon. We are exactly 2 weeks since treatment and 2 weeks from the next treatment, which helps the mood, stamina, and pain. Please pray that Joshua will not grow weary in his obedience about medicine. Also, please pray that we will know how to balance his growing understanding about what is happening to his little body and what we have all grown accustom to about leukemia.

That's What She Said...

Confession time - 2 things you need to know about me that are important for this post. One, I am very interested in weather. Maybe it came from growing up in West Texas, the heart of tornado alley, but I will sit and watch the doppler radar with the best of them. I'm one step away from Bill Paxton in Twister. Thing 2 - I am a really big fan of The Office.

Hence I was torn last night when the new episode was disrupted at 8:26 by a weather broadcast of tornadic activity and the infamous hook echo. I don't want anybody to get blown away because they don't know that a tornado might or might not be heading their way. At the same time, I need to know if Michael filed domestic abuse charges against Jan. Can anybody help a brother out? The last thing I saw was Dwight urging Michael to come home with him for the evening.

Brighter Days

Andi turned 11 months this week. It has brought about loads of different thoughts and feelings in me. Obviously, I love to see her grow and develop. She's walking like a semi-pro. She's eating table food and drinking from a sippy cup. She even seems to be trying to have conversations with us. Her babble goes high and low and pauses like she wants a response. All of this is really fun, but there is more going on within my heart than just that.

As I look back on the last 11 months, I wonder how it is I feel like a missed so many moments. I mean, I was here. I saw her roll over for the first time. I celebrated when she slept through the night (I still celebrate when that happens). I was first to see each shiny new tooth, but still I feel like it all slipped by. I took fewer pictures than I should have. I didn't rock her nearly enough, and I didn't play on the floor long enough while she was still staying in one place.

I guess what I am wondering is if this all normal for the second child or is it somehow related, like everything else in our world, to leukemia. It seems contradictory to think about your 3 year old's health before that of your 6 month old's. It also seems contradictory to spend far more time with your older one at the doctor's office than your younger. But, sadly, all of that is true. If Andi gets sick, I hate it for her, but I fear for Joshua, too.

With Joshua I was always awaiting the next stage, excited to move on. With Andi, I'm learning, maybe a bit too late, to enjoy each stage. I'm glad that all these feelings are here at 11 months because one month from now when we are celebrating a 1st birthday. I want to do just that...celebrate! I know without a doubt that Andi makes our days brighter. I guess I just hope that we are doing the same for her days.

I'm Not Crazy

That's right - the counselor said it, so it must be true. I'm not crazy. In fact, I'm so sane that he actually scheduled an appointment to come to my office next week and share his feelings.

Okay, that last part is a lie.

It was an interesting experience to be "on the couch." It made me happy that there actually was a couch, and I was on it. I didn't lay down though. I thought he used a great analogy to describe the nature of pain and disappointment in each of our lives. According to him, nobody reaches maturity in adulthood with all themselves in tact. That is to say, you might be a fully functioning mature adult in intellect and physical stature, but there are some parts of your emotional life that haven't quite made it yet. The reason these parts of a person lag behind is because they were never forced to mature. Pain is one mechanism that brings these parts of the self out of latency and pulls them up, and even past, their natural developmental stage.

Think of it like this, he said. When you go skiing, you use muscles you didn't even know you had. And they get sore because skiing is the only time you actually use them. In the same way, processing things like leukemia force you to use emotional and spiritual muscles you didn't even know you had. And they get sore. This process of the full self catching up to maturity often needs some help "on the couch."

He asked me what I wanted out of our meetings. Tough question because I don't exactly know. I said that at one point, I thought of myself as reasonably self-aware, that I knew myself and was able to articulate my emotions and understand why I felt that way. That has become confused over the last year and a half. So maybe some help better understanding me.

I think that's a good thing, for I return to the words of John Calvin in the first volume of his institutes: "Nearly all wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists in two parts: The knowledge of God and of ourselves. But, while joined by many bonds, which one precedes and brings forth the other is not easy to discern."

Counseling

Well, I'm taking the plunge today and going. Jana has seen a really great counselor for the last year or so to help talk through this stuff with Joshua and our family. After repeated urgings from her, I have now accepted the fact that I, too, am crazy. Maybe this dude can help.

I'm not sure exactly what I expect to find there, except a forum to help me process exactly what I do feel. Which I don't know. It all gets really confusing, and I feel a little like I don't know myself nearly as well as I used to. So maybe that.

More later, but hopefully not so much that you feel awkward when meeting me outside the blogosphere...

Circus Day

Thursday was Circus Day at Joshua's Mother Day Out. Andi and I had a great day watching Joshua perform as a lion in the 3 ring circus. Because this was the first performance of its kind for us I had no idea what to expect. Joshua is always singing and doing "tricks" at home, but I wasn't sure how he would do in front of his peers and their parents. 

Needless to say, he had no stage fright at all. In fact, he ran to the front of the line so that he could be the very first. He stood up on the chair, roared a ferocious roar and jumped through the firery hoop (a hula hoop with orange felt triangles taped around it). After talking with several mothers I learned that the kids had been practicing all week. I think our one day a week worked out for us this time. Most of the other children wouldn't wear their mask or perform the feats of doom, but Joshua didn't have any time to get nervous about it. 

The performance was followed by games, balloon animals, bubbles, popcorn, and lemonade. Basically, all the things that Joshua loves. Good day at school this week.

Eastery Photos

Even though we weren't able to get out, we created some fun in the backyard with an egg hunt and a cookout.

Andi was on the prowl for Easter Eggs.

Joshua chose a Nascar racing Easter basket when we bought it at the store last week. Not the most stylish of Easter baskets, but he is obviously proud of it.

Michael has already declared 2008 as the year of the grill!

Easter at Home

This is the first Easter that Jana and I haven't been to church, and that's okay. We're reasonably sure God still likes us.

We find ourselves at home on this Resurrection Day because our doctors sent us home on Friday from the hospital although Joshua's blood counts hadn't gone up. Because they hadn't gone up, they sent us with specific instructions to for seclusion: no egg hunts, no church, no restaurants. So we have been hiding in our house and yard for the past couple of days.

Tomorrow (Monday) we go back to the clinic to check Joshua's blood counts and hopefully rejoin the world.

Tonight as I put Joshua down for the night we read the resurrection story. We have been talking about it alot recently, reading the Last Supper a couple of nights ago, then the crucifixion, and saving the Easter story for tonight. So there's the scene, as depicted in Joshua's children's Bible: the soldiers cowering in fear, the stone rolled away, the angel declaring that Jesus has risen, and then there's picture of the women when Jesus appears to them on the road as they're leaving.

Then there's Joshua's expressing himself: "He's back! Woo-hoo! They thought he was gone, but now He's back! And He is alive!"

Yes He is, son. Both then, and now.

In Case You're Curious...

We are still here in the hospital. Joshua's blood counts have only improved a little, but the good news is, they have improved. The doctors would like to see them get a bit higher before we head out into the world. It looks like we will have a chance to go home tomorrow. Maybe we will be home in time to rest up for a big Easter Egg Hunt.

Tucson: 1 of 2

Tuscon 1: The Cousin Fun

Michael's brother moved to Arizona about 2 years ago, but this weekend was the first time we have been able to visit. Eric and Jenni were wonderful hosts and their children were excellent playmates for Joshua and Andi. We were able to visit University of Arizona, where Eric works, hike around Palamino Mountain, eat at some amazing restaurants, and even go out on a double date while the kids hung out with a baby-sitter. These portions of our trip were fun and we look forward to visiting again someday to catch the sites we had to miss.

Tucson: 2 of 2

Tucson: Emergency Happenings

It makes me terribly sad that our very fun trip included two trips to the Emergency Room. The first came Saturday morning when Joshua woke up in a very crummy mood with continous chills. It was not his normal demeanor so I called to doctor to just ask a few questions and the response was find an ER in Tucson. We were sent home hours later with fluids and good blood counts.

Our fun resumed the next day, but at midnight on Sunday, the fever hit. Michael drove him back to the ER, where we learned that Joshua's ANC had dropped from 2400 to 800 (500 is an automatic admission to the hospital) Michael called to tell me the doctors in Tucson and Nashville were giving us the choice to be admitted there or come home to be admitted. As much as we love the warm weather in Tucson, we wanted Joshua to be treated by the doctors that know him best.

So, we drove to Pheonix to catch the most direct flight. Joshua did a great job wearing a mask throughout the airport for his protection. (He gets to choose a new toy as soon as we go to Target next!--A good time for bribery, I'd say) He slept the entire 3 1/2 hour flight. He woke up saying, "We forgot to watch a movie." We quickly went home, to repack for the ER here in Nashville. Within about an hour of being off the plane and waiting for a room at Vanderbilt, Joshua's fever had climbed to 103.

We are now back on the 6th floor again waiting for Joshua's counts to start on the upswing. (ANC is about 400 today) Every nurse of doctor that has come in wants to hear a little of our big adventure to Arizona. Joshua just tells them that the prickly pear cactus hurts, but that he told it to leave him alone.

You've Never Heard Anything Like It

My friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Smith, Jr, recently preached at a church in our area, and I've sat weeping in my office for the last 2 hours. That's right, 2 hours. Here's what the big bad preaching professor did - First Baptist Church of Hendersonville has 3 morning services. Dr. Smith refused to repeat his talk. He preached 3 different sermons. The first one was a modest 31 minutes for the early crowd; the second was an hour and 15; the third was a strong hour and a half, and it goes by in a second.

I've been in church my whole life, studied preaching, and heard my share of great communicators. Dr. Smith is the best I've ever heard. It will be worth the time investment for you to listen.