Move '08

This weekend we are moving; this branch of the Kelley family is heading north to our new neighborhood. We've been planning to do so for a while, and the truck gets packed on Saturday. Love the new house and the fact that we're moving; hate moving itself. So I'm focusing on the positive stuff about the move to get me through the process of moving. Here, then, is the list of the top 5 things about the move.

1. We are moving to a neighborhood with mature trees. This will be awesome. Lots of shade to guard our albino-like son. If you haven't noticed, Andi is the only tan one in our family. Not sure where that came from.

2. The backyard. It's large flat, and completely shaded. It's already got a tire swing and enough room for more furniture, fire pit, hammock, and that car Michael's been wanting to restore (just kidding about the last one).

3. The commute. Trips to the clinic will be cut by 2/3. The gas implications for those trips, as well as Michael's commute, are really good.

4. The new house adds a playroom to our children arsenal.

5. The scooter. This is still in doubt, but my husband, the professional editor, the published author, the preacher, the guy who occasionally wears jeans with holes in them, now has a route that allows him to get to work without getting on the interstate. He is considering buying a used Vespa. Pictures to follow if this actually happens.

Old House

New House

King Who?

Joshua and Andi's uber-cool babysitter and our very good friend, Sarah, posted about a question / answer time she had with Joshua the other night. What we have long suspected is now proven true - Michael and I are the least holy people in our house.

Check out the blow by blow here.

A New Pool and My Second Thought

The Maryland Farms YMCA in Brentwood completely revamped their outdoor pool* this summer. Initially, I was very overwhelmed with both kids and everything that is there, but now that Joshua has figured out his boundaries, we are having a great time. Also, every time I go I get to see friends from church, from my days of teaching or from some other phase of our Nashville life. It's like a little reunion every week. Last week, I ran into Tiffany. It had been nearly two years and two kids since we had seen each other last. Today, I saw my new friend Beth and her three sweet kiddos. All in all, this new pool has been a load of fun for us. So, basically what I'm saying is if you want to join the party, Maryland Farms is where it's at!

*This is not the pool I referenced in the last post. I want to thank all of you for all the kind and thoughtful comments, emails, and phone calls. They were all very encouraging. I also walked away from that post with a new verse to memorize. Psalm 141:3-4a Set a guard over my mouth , O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil. Not a bad thing to take away from a day like that. Both my self-doubt and my frustrations with the unnamed woman were not drawing my heart to righteousness.

One last thing, I was serious about not being afraid to talk to me. You can now all stop with the apologies for what may or may not have been said over the course of the last year. If that is the case, I need to start calling everyone I know.

Hold That Second Thought

Why oh why is it so hard to say the right thing to someone living in crisis, or in our case, living on the edge of crisis? I know that I have done it, too. You want to say the thing that makes the person in crisis feel cared for and loved, but then you keep talking. It is my observation that the second thought is always the one that could be left out. The initial reaction is kind, considerate and full of understanding. The second comes with a level of comfort that may not have been granted by the one in crisis. Take for instance the encounter we had today.

The woman I met was very kind. She talked and asked probing questions about our lives and our children. Very kind. Then, Joshua took off his life vest (we were at the swimming pool) which revealed the spot where his port is placed. This kind woman asked what that was for and I explained the last year and a half of our life. She was kind enough to listen. She said she was sorry and mentioned she knew someone else going through the same thing. Then, it hit, the second thought. She said, "I have read about all the things that people feed their children that causes leukemia." What I heard was, "You fed Joshua things that caused his leukemia."

Once again the second thought gets someone in trouble. I know that this poor woman did not mean to do it, but I have spent the rest of the day going over what I fed Joshua in the first two years of his life. Did I start formula too soon? Did I start table food too soon? Did I then and now let him have too many sweets? These are the unnecessary questions that happened because of a second thought, even though I know the answers.

The lesson? Sometimes it's more about quality than quantity. Words are powerful things. I hope I'm learning to choose mine more carefully.

PS - nobody be afraid to talk to me any more, please.

Hooray!

We love summer!

Lesson Learned

Yesterday it made a week since I had run. It has been about 8 months since I went that long without running at least a few miles. Now that I am finished training for the half-marathon I have been trying to keep running in my routine. This past week it just didn't happen. I set the alarm twice to run before Michael left for work, but I just kept sleeping. Two other times I chose to watch TV instead of leaving for the gym at night. So, this morning I did it, I got up and ran very early. Each step reminded me I should have run those other times. It occurs to me that when you run consistantly, you body forgets that running hurts so much. I guess the lesson I learned is that if you don't want it to hurt, run more often.

Here is a little video that sums up running for me.

Forward Progress

I have been pressing Michael for about a year to start his own blog. He has such amazing ideas and insights into what he is reading, what he is watching, and mostly what God is revealing to him. Our family's blog has been a place for him to talk about some that, but there a twinge of constraint that we exercise when you know that about every third post is going to be about Joshua's health. My hope for Michael's new blog is not only that he will be able to share more of his thoughts, but that it will be a conversation between him and all of us thinkers. There is nothing Michael loves more than to sit down with a few friends and discuss movies, culture, theology, questions, television, you name it. Now he has an avenue to do that with people across the street or across the globe.

So this blog is going to be pretty much our family blog, and that one is going to be Michael's "professional" blog. But this one about our family will still continue to be updated by both Michael and I.

You can find his new blog here. The title is Forward Progress. Michael's first post explains the title. It is a worthy read. I would encourage you to link to it from your blog, subscribe to the feed, or put it on your Google reader. He tells me there will be something new every day, but we'll see...

My Beautiful Girl

Our dear friend, Andrea Rhodes, snapped these great shots at the park last week. She is obviously very talented, but she is also very affordable. This is just five of the hundreds she took. If you are looking for a family photographer, we highly recommend her. You can view her website here. Thank you Andrea for capturing Andi so very well. We look forward to Joshua's in July.

The Good Cancer

Please read this blog by my friend and fellow cancer fighter, Renee. She speaks clearly about a a phrase we have heard from some well-intentioned people. She also tells about Matthew. A young man we were in-patient with on several occasions. He needs your prayers right now.

Another Month Down

So apparently praying works. Go figure, right?

Joshua had a spinal tap along with his regular dose of intravenous chemo on Wednesday, and we buckled in for what is usually the worst 5 days of the 12 week cycle we're on. And people prayed. And Joshua didn't cry. He didn't throw fits. He didn't lay on the couch. He played, laughed, and even mowed the grass (man, can't wait till he can do that himself). How about that - God doing what He does - answering a mass of prayers from His people for that random kid in Tennessee.

Thank you.


We also passed another mile marker without calling much attention to it, but in case you're counting, we are now past the halfway point in leukemia world. Actually we're well past it. Joshua has now been in treatment for leukemia for 19 and a half months. Halfway point was 18 months. And now, sitting on the back half, maybe there's room for a few more reflections. I don't think God wants us to be thankful for leukemia; I don't think that's what giving thanks in all circumstances means. However, He has been faithful to remind us on a near daily basis what the true meaning of redemption is.

To redeem - to buy back. That's what we see happening here. We see our good God buying back Joshua's sickness in a thousand tiny ways. He's teaching us to laugh more, cry more, hurt more deeply, and feel joy more fully. He's teaching us to hold loosely to stupid things and grip tightly those things that are significant. He's teaching us about the nature of hope, and that hope by its very nature involves a measure of pain. He's teaching us about contentment and joy. And we are doing our best, sometimes better than others, to listen.

And maybe that's one of the best things any of us can do. We don't respond perfectly, or even very well, when the days are trying. But maybe we're learning to listen better.

Papa Joe is 60!

My sweet father turned 60 yesterday and like most parents would, I will probably get a phone call today asking why I chose to tell the world his age. But, when you have accomplished as much as Alvin Joe Parker has, age is just a number.

My dad grew up in the tiny farming community of Causey, New Mexico. After graduating from high school he went straight to college at Eastern New Mexico University in Portales, NM. He and my mother married at age 19 but both went on to earn both their bachelor's and master's degrees in education. Dad immediately began teaching history and coaching basketball at the local high school. He always kept another odd job at the nearest convenient store or pawn shop to make sure that he was providing for his growing family.

After 10 years of teaching, my mom approached my dad and asked him if he was still considering a career in law. So, with my mother's blessing, he applied to law schools throughout the country. Dad always said that he didn't think he could buy clothes for three girls on a teacher's salary. Little did he know that there isn't a salary on earth that could buy clothes for three girls. He was accepted to several, but chose to attend Washburn Law School in Topeka, Kansas. The next fall, my parents packed up everything and moved me and my sisters to Kansas. My mom and dad both worked hard while dad attended classes to complete the degree requirements.

After graduation in 1982, dad joined a law firm in Clovis, NM. He worked with that firm to become a partner and then eventually created his own law practice. He was a great civil defense attorney. Then, on September 15, 2003, Governor Bill Richardson appointed Alvin Joe Parker as a US District Court judge for New Mexico. Governor Richardson said this about my dad, "He has 21 years experience as an attorney in Curry County. Both friends and adversaries in the courtroom describe Mr. Parker as a man of great integrity and responsibility."

My dad served as a judge for 5 years before retiring to fight his newest battle with Parkinson's Disease. Even in that, dad shows conviction, endurance, and inner strength. For all that my dad has accomplished in his 60 years, he has remained a steadfast father to each of his girls. As small children he would take us on dates to go shoe shopping. As teenagers, he would sit outside the front door waiting to scare the boy that dared to come and take his daughter on a date. Now, as Papa Joe to our kiddos, he's still willing to let some snot-nosed brat pull on his mustache and is quick with a joke and a laugh. At each stage, he has always been a great listener, asking questions that probe and being interested in whatever we are wanted to talk about.

Happy Birthday, Joe, Counselor, Judge Parker, Papa, and Daddy.

Compassion

This Wednesday marks the start of the next 12 week cycle of Joshua's treatment. He will go in for the monthly check-up, including Vincristin (chemo) through his port, and the beginning of the 5 days of steroids. This week will also include Methotrexate (also chemo) pushed into his spinal fluid. 

Joshua has done all of this before. We know the drill. This process is not new. All of that being said, it still completely stinks. What we've learned over the last year and a half is that the week of the spinal tap brings the greatest amount of side effects. The chemotherapy combined with the steroids cause Joshua to be moody, irritable, anxious, uncomfortable, tired, and generally unhappy. 

In church yesterday, I found myself asking God to give me greater compassion for Joshua as he faces his treatment this week. I feel so guilty for even having to pray this. I expect people around Joshua to have compassion to his plight, but here I am, as his mother, needing more compassion for him. When Joshua is yelling about his Crispix being in the wrong bowl, the tug-of-war with our emotions begins. I remind myself it is the medicine making him so frustrated, but fight with the responsibility of teaching Joshua in that moment. I am asking God to make my heart tender to him rather than always thinking about what is best.

Will you join me? Please pray that Joshua's pain is minimal, that the side effects move by quickly, and that we would manage the emotions of this week with grace, love, and compassion.

My Reality

I feel like reality TV has gone really downhill since the original Survivor, but the three reality shows that I continue to hold on to are Bravo's Top Chef and Project Runway and Fox's So You Think You Can Dance. These three shows actually require skill and competence in order to compete. In addition, each of them have a lifetime of training essential to win the prize (even it is only 18 years of life). Finally, each of these shows have a chance for the judges to make decisions (both Bravo shows are completely up the judges). Aren't they the ones that know something about what it takes?  There are several scripted shows that I also enjoy, but these are the three shows that I record and never miss. Yes, with my VCR from the dark ages. 

The wonderful thing for me is that these shows run in a cycle that keeps one running at all times. Top Chef in on now. So You Think You Can Dance begins tomorrow. And Project Runway kicks off in July. I am super excited about tomorrow. I would love to know what you are watching and if you are excited about tomorrow like I am. DANCE ON, friends!

What a Difference a Year Makes

Jesus the Healer

Our community group is currently inching through the book of Luke. It has been a fabulous study so far and last night was no different. We were studying the last part of Luke 4, where Jesus heals Simon's mother-in-law of a high fever and then he proceeds to heal many others as the sun sets on that Sabbath day. 

Gretchen, who led our group last night, brought the following piece of commentary for our discussion last night. It was a wonderful addition to an already great discussion.

Michael Wilcock, The Message of Luke, pp. 67-68

I would therefore make a broad distinction between two methods of healing: not the obvious distinction between the miraculous and the medical but one which lies deeper than that. Where his object is to be known as the Healer, he works immediately; such cures are, as it were, for the shop-window - the kind of success store which establishes the reputation of a great surgeon or physician. I see no reason why in some circumstances today Jesus may not choose to work in this way for this purpose. But where he is already known, he may well say to his trusting patient: 

'I could of course give you immediate relief, but I would rather take the opportunity to do something more far-reaching, which will be to your greater benefit in the long run. You will find it more protracted and perhaps more painful, and you may not understand what I am doing, because I may be treating disorders of which you yourself are unaware.'

He will then set to work to deal with the needs of the whole person, rather than with the obvious need only. He may aim at a calming of spirit, or a strengthening of courage, or a clarifying of vision, as more important objectives than what we would call healing. Indeed the latter may not be experienced at all in this life, but only at the final 'saving and raising' of the sick, when their mortal nature puts on immortality. For I think it is no accident that each of these two words in James 5 has a double meaning, making the applicable equally to this life and to the next: sozo, to heal, or to save; egeiro, to raise from sickness, or raise from the death. The 'prayer of faith' cannot fail to bring about this result, one way or the other. But the faith in which such prayer is prayed must be, not faith that Jesus will heal in some particular way (i.e., the way we should advise him to do it!), but faith in Jesus the Healer, who will choose his own timing and method. Then even today his word of power in this respect will amaze onlookers (4:36) and bring others to seek him (4:40).

It is obvious to me that this writer has lived through a time of faith crisis and walked away 'healed'. Thanks for bringing this to the table, Gretchen.

She's 1 Today!

Today is Andi's birthday, and in honor of that, here is her short life through pictures along with several things we have learned about her in the past year. 

1. Andi is curious. Virtually every openable cabinet, drawer, door, etc. now has a safety latch on it because of her innate wonder at anything she hasn't seen before. 
2. Andi is smart... maybe a little too smart. For example, she has known her signs for words like "please" and "thank you" for months, and yet has refused to use them on occasions. Instead, she will close her mouth and look at you as if testing your will. Sometimes she wins. 
3. Andi loves her brother. She can't help but laugh when he's around, and has a special way of smiling that only Joshua gets. 
4. She loves to be with people. Sometimes this is a little annoying. Most of the time it's sweet. But regardless, she does not appreciate alone time, almost as if she knows she will have more fun if she can share it with someone else. 
5. Andi is adventurous. Even now she has a huge bruise across her forehead. Her need to gamble with life and limb might get a little more disturbing over the years, but for now, we'll take it as a spirit of imagination. And that's cool. 

Happy Birthday, Dandy Andi.

Top Ten Race Moments

Another great picture by Rich. 

You may not be able to see us, but we're between the Kenyans.

1. Michael knocked a girl in the head as he posed for a picture (see the last post).

2. My Team in Training buddies surprised me by all wearing Joshua's picture on their backs as they ran.

3. We saw Rebecca and Allison at mile 5, 12, and at the "K" after the race. We also saw other friends at miles 4, 7, and 8. Lots of faithful friends!

4. Due to excessive lines at the portapotties, we have now joined the elite group of people who urinate unashamedly behind the McDonald's. Lots of runners joined this group today... and also 2 homeless guys. !

5. We saw friends also running along the way: Andy, Tamra, Heather, Aly, and doctors and nurses from Children's. I guess we're all a bunch of crazies!

6. At one point, Michael passively said, "I have been counting the number of people that we passed since we started. It is 347!" Excitedly, I replied, "Really?!" "No. Not really." Michael knows my love language is winning.

7. In light of #6, since I know it is impossible for me to ever actually win, I was really excited I beat my goal time by nearly 3 minutes. We finished in 2:02:58.

8. On the course, we recognized our blog world friends who's son also has leukemia, Blake and Rebecca Holmes.* 

*We actually spent about 3 hours talking with them Saturday evening after the race. They have officially moved from "those people we stalk in cyberspace" to legitimate friends. Thanks for being an understanding ear to us, Blake and Rebecca. We look forward to our next visit. 

9. Turning right right when the full marathoners went straight. I could not have run another mile. I think Michael enjoyed that part, too.

10. Hugging my sweet kiddos after the race and sitting down to eat a huge stack of pancakes at Cracker Barrel when we were finished. A big thank you to Gram and Papaw for coming to keep Joshua and Andi this weekend and for getting them through the craziness at the finish line.

We Did It

Michael and I completed the Country Music Half Marathon on Saturday and we live to tell about it. In the last post, Michael was so kind about my training, but let's not forget that Michael ran every mile that did, if not more. The only difference is that he kept our kids every Saturday while I ran, and then woke up before any of us to run every Sunday morning. On the course, Michael was the perfect combination of fun and encouragement. We laughed going downhill and cringed going up hill. All in all, it was a great race for a worthy cause. I guess the question now is, when do we start training for the next endurance event?



These great photos were taken by our talented photographer friend Rich Kalonick. Check out his site here.


The family all together when it was all done.

I'm Proud of My Wife

On Saturday, Jana will run the Country Music Half Marathon with Team in Training, the running group that raises money for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I'm super proud of her for doing this. She's worked really hard, and Saturday, though it's supposed to rain all day, will be a cool celebration. So following is a list of reasons I'm proud of Jana this morning in light of this accomplishment.

1. Before starting training, Jana had never run more than 2 miles at a time. She will do 13.1 on Saturday.
2. For the last 4 months, she has faithfully gotten up at 5:30 every Saturday morning and driven to unknown realms around Nashville to run for hours. Yes, hours.
3. Jana is running for Joshua. Just another example of how committed she is to taking care of him, loving him, and doing well by him.
4. She has given up her beloved Dr. Peppers in an effort to do the race as best she can. No small feat.
5. No one has ever looked better in pigtails and a baseball cap.
6. Even after her long runs on Saturdays, she comes home not exhausted, but ready to engage our family.
7. She has given up countless evenings of relaxation, going to the gym alot of nights after the kids go to bed. I, on the other hand, watch Hell's Kitchen.
8. She keeps going. The race is a good metaphor with cancer, for it's also a battle for the caretakers as it is for the kids. In both of these arenas, Jana has been faithful. She keeps going. She keeps running.

They Like Each Other...

...they really like each other!

My Team

Me, Amber, Kristi, and Heather

Kristi, Me, Amber, Scott, Sam, Heather, and Hal (we missed you Aly!)

Training for the 1/2 Marathon has been long and grueling, but also a whole lot of fun. My team receives all the credit for any of that fun. These wonderful people have been encouraging, funny, diligent, welcoming, caring, committed, generous, and kind to me for the past 5 months. I will miss seeing them on a regular basis. Granted, I will not miss the 6:45 am Saturday mornings, but I hope we will continue these new friendships in other ways.

Thank you Team in Training! Enjoy the race on Saturday. You have earned it!

Leave it to Me

So, I have two posts waiting for pictures to be added to them. The only problem is that I accidentally put my camera in my library bag and turned it in with all of our books yesterday. Michael called the library and they had it ready to pick up today. No problem, right?

Today, Joshua, Andi, and I went to the library to pick out some books and to pick up the camera. We found some great books including Dora's Halloween Adventure and Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I also learned today that I can check out children's music CDs. That is great because I was getting really sick of the three CDs we have in the car. Disney Classics are great tunes comparatively. 

But, leave it me to walk out of the library with great books, but without the camera. So, until I make it back to the library, here are my words and stolen pictures.

Land of the Living

Joshua has another ear infection. We went to the clinic this morning. They administered an antibiotic through his port today and will do the same tomorrow and Friday. He will also receive the IGG that has been so helpful in keeping these yucky infections from continually coming back. I can't imagine how bad it would be if that were not helping. Thankfully, Joshua has not had any fever, so we are doing everything out-patient. Three days of appointments is very inconvenient and tiring, but much better than being in the hospital. 

Today, we did have the delight of seeing some clinic friends we had not seen since Halloween. Scott and Martin are 6-year-old twins who were both diagnosed with ALL within 6 months of each other. The excited news for them is that Martin just finished his three years of treatment and Scott will be finished in the first of June. This family has always been an encouragement to me because they are always having fun no matter what the circumstance. Next week, the whole family is going to Jurassic Park at Universal Studios to celebrate Scott's Make-A-Wish. This is what they settled on when Martin was unable to sit on the Wayne's World couch and play his guitar (hilarious!). Today they reminded me that as frustrating as these days are, there is a light in the distance. 

I have been studying Psalms at my CBS class this entire semester. It has been a clear picture of all of the emotions I am constantly embracing and battling. Today, these verse came to mind. Hallelujah! There is a day beyond these three years.

Psalm 27:13-14 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Renee Garcia

I first met Renee in the HEM-ONC clinic several months ago. I noticed her for several reasons. 1. Her husband was in his military uniform. Hard to miss that. 2. She was surrounded by her 4 children and not phased by anything. 3. She had a fantastic double stroller. I was completely jealous :-)

Later, I learned her story, which has inspired me as a mother, as a caretaker, as a wife, and as an American. You can read her story here and vote for her to win the Military Motherhood Award. She is very deserving.

Medicine

As most of you know by now, Joshua takes oral chemo every night along with other medicine on and off for allergies, pain, nausea, and other side effects. From the very beginning for Joshua's treatment, he has been a whiz at taking his medicine. Actually, some of the time he even enjoyed the flavor of a few. Several months ago, I met a woman named Faith with a three-year-old that takes many of the same drugs that Joshua takes. We had been crushing pills, diluting them in water, and then pulling them through a surringe to shoot it into his mouth. Faith told me that she just puts the pill on a spoon covers it with chocolate syrup and lets her son crunch the pills and swallow. I couldn't believe it would work, but Joshua, being the great medicine man, did it. I could put up to 8 small pills on a spoon and he would chew and swallow without batting an eye.

Recently, this has changed. Our process stayed the same for the most part, changing only the flavors from chocolate to jelly or whipped cream, whatever his preference. Two weeks ago after his last round of intravenous chemo, Joshua began to argue and try to put off taking his medicines. This was new territory for us. As I began to ask him why, he first talked about the taste. Thus, introducing the new flavors. After that, he didn't have a reason.

My overactive mind began to work. Is he rebelling against everything he has been through in the past year and a half? Is he aware of the effects that the drugs have on his mood, his stamina, his level of pain?

For now, Joshua is back on the medicine bandwagon. We are exactly 2 weeks since treatment and 2 weeks from the next treatment, which helps the mood, stamina, and pain. Please pray that Joshua will not grow weary in his obedience about medicine. Also, please pray that we will know how to balance his growing understanding about what is happening to his little body and what we have all grown accustom to about leukemia.

That's What She Said...

Confession time - 2 things you need to know about me that are important for this post. One, I am very interested in weather. Maybe it came from growing up in West Texas, the heart of tornado alley, but I will sit and watch the doppler radar with the best of them. I'm one step away from Bill Paxton in Twister. Thing 2 - I am a really big fan of The Office.

Hence I was torn last night when the new episode was disrupted at 8:26 by a weather broadcast of tornadic activity and the infamous hook echo. I don't want anybody to get blown away because they don't know that a tornado might or might not be heading their way. At the same time, I need to know if Michael filed domestic abuse charges against Jan. Can anybody help a brother out? The last thing I saw was Dwight urging Michael to come home with him for the evening.

Brighter Days

Andi turned 11 months this week. It has brought about loads of different thoughts and feelings in me. Obviously, I love to see her grow and develop. She's walking like a semi-pro. She's eating table food and drinking from a sippy cup. She even seems to be trying to have conversations with us. Her babble goes high and low and pauses like she wants a response. All of this is really fun, but there is more going on within my heart than just that.

As I look back on the last 11 months, I wonder how it is I feel like a missed so many moments. I mean, I was here. I saw her roll over for the first time. I celebrated when she slept through the night (I still celebrate when that happens). I was first to see each shiny new tooth, but still I feel like it all slipped by. I took fewer pictures than I should have. I didn't rock her nearly enough, and I didn't play on the floor long enough while she was still staying in one place.

I guess what I am wondering is if this all normal for the second child or is it somehow related, like everything else in our world, to leukemia. It seems contradictory to think about your 3 year old's health before that of your 6 month old's. It also seems contradictory to spend far more time with your older one at the doctor's office than your younger. But, sadly, all of that is true. If Andi gets sick, I hate it for her, but I fear for Joshua, too.

With Joshua I was always awaiting the next stage, excited to move on. With Andi, I'm learning, maybe a bit too late, to enjoy each stage. I'm glad that all these feelings are here at 11 months because one month from now when we are celebrating a 1st birthday. I want to do just that...celebrate! I know without a doubt that Andi makes our days brighter. I guess I just hope that we are doing the same for her days.

I'm Not Crazy

That's right - the counselor said it, so it must be true. I'm not crazy. In fact, I'm so sane that he actually scheduled an appointment to come to my office next week and share his feelings.

Okay, that last part is a lie.

It was an interesting experience to be "on the couch." It made me happy that there actually was a couch, and I was on it. I didn't lay down though. I thought he used a great analogy to describe the nature of pain and disappointment in each of our lives. According to him, nobody reaches maturity in adulthood with all themselves in tact. That is to say, you might be a fully functioning mature adult in intellect and physical stature, but there are some parts of your emotional life that haven't quite made it yet. The reason these parts of a person lag behind is because they were never forced to mature. Pain is one mechanism that brings these parts of the self out of latency and pulls them up, and even past, their natural developmental stage.

Think of it like this, he said. When you go skiing, you use muscles you didn't even know you had. And they get sore because skiing is the only time you actually use them. In the same way, processing things like leukemia force you to use emotional and spiritual muscles you didn't even know you had. And they get sore. This process of the full self catching up to maturity often needs some help "on the couch."

He asked me what I wanted out of our meetings. Tough question because I don't exactly know. I said that at one point, I thought of myself as reasonably self-aware, that I knew myself and was able to articulate my emotions and understand why I felt that way. That has become confused over the last year and a half. So maybe some help better understanding me.

I think that's a good thing, for I return to the words of John Calvin in the first volume of his institutes: "Nearly all wisdom we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists in two parts: The knowledge of God and of ourselves. But, while joined by many bonds, which one precedes and brings forth the other is not easy to discern."

Counseling

Well, I'm taking the plunge today and going. Jana has seen a really great counselor for the last year or so to help talk through this stuff with Joshua and our family. After repeated urgings from her, I have now accepted the fact that I, too, am crazy. Maybe this dude can help.

I'm not sure exactly what I expect to find there, except a forum to help me process exactly what I do feel. Which I don't know. It all gets really confusing, and I feel a little like I don't know myself nearly as well as I used to. So maybe that.

More later, but hopefully not so much that you feel awkward when meeting me outside the blogosphere...

Circus Day

Thursday was Circus Day at Joshua's Mother Day Out. Andi and I had a great day watching Joshua perform as a lion in the 3 ring circus. Because this was the first performance of its kind for us I had no idea what to expect. Joshua is always singing and doing "tricks" at home, but I wasn't sure how he would do in front of his peers and their parents. 

Needless to say, he had no stage fright at all. In fact, he ran to the front of the line so that he could be the very first. He stood up on the chair, roared a ferocious roar and jumped through the firery hoop (a hula hoop with orange felt triangles taped around it). After talking with several mothers I learned that the kids had been practicing all week. I think our one day a week worked out for us this time. Most of the other children wouldn't wear their mask or perform the feats of doom, but Joshua didn't have any time to get nervous about it. 

The performance was followed by games, balloon animals, bubbles, popcorn, and lemonade. Basically, all the things that Joshua loves. Good day at school this week.

Eastery Photos

Even though we weren't able to get out, we created some fun in the backyard with an egg hunt and a cookout.

Andi was on the prowl for Easter Eggs.

Joshua chose a Nascar racing Easter basket when we bought it at the store last week. Not the most stylish of Easter baskets, but he is obviously proud of it.

Michael has already declared 2008 as the year of the grill!

Easter at Home

This is the first Easter that Jana and I haven't been to church, and that's okay. We're reasonably sure God still likes us.

We find ourselves at home on this Resurrection Day because our doctors sent us home on Friday from the hospital although Joshua's blood counts hadn't gone up. Because they hadn't gone up, they sent us with specific instructions to for seclusion: no egg hunts, no church, no restaurants. So we have been hiding in our house and yard for the past couple of days.

Tomorrow (Monday) we go back to the clinic to check Joshua's blood counts and hopefully rejoin the world.

Tonight as I put Joshua down for the night we read the resurrection story. We have been talking about it alot recently, reading the Last Supper a couple of nights ago, then the crucifixion, and saving the Easter story for tonight. So there's the scene, as depicted in Joshua's children's Bible: the soldiers cowering in fear, the stone rolled away, the angel declaring that Jesus has risen, and then there's picture of the women when Jesus appears to them on the road as they're leaving.

Then there's Joshua's expressing himself: "He's back! Woo-hoo! They thought he was gone, but now He's back! And He is alive!"

Yes He is, son. Both then, and now.

In Case You're Curious...

We are still here in the hospital. Joshua's blood counts have only improved a little, but the good news is, they have improved. The doctors would like to see them get a bit higher before we head out into the world. It looks like we will have a chance to go home tomorrow. Maybe we will be home in time to rest up for a big Easter Egg Hunt.

Tucson: 1 of 2

Tuscon 1: The Cousin Fun

Michael's brother moved to Arizona about 2 years ago, but this weekend was the first time we have been able to visit. Eric and Jenni were wonderful hosts and their children were excellent playmates for Joshua and Andi. We were able to visit University of Arizona, where Eric works, hike around Palamino Mountain, eat at some amazing restaurants, and even go out on a double date while the kids hung out with a baby-sitter. These portions of our trip were fun and we look forward to visiting again someday to catch the sites we had to miss.

Tucson: 2 of 2

Tucson: Emergency Happenings

It makes me terribly sad that our very fun trip included two trips to the Emergency Room. The first came Saturday morning when Joshua woke up in a very crummy mood with continous chills. It was not his normal demeanor so I called to doctor to just ask a few questions and the response was find an ER in Tucson. We were sent home hours later with fluids and good blood counts.

Our fun resumed the next day, but at midnight on Sunday, the fever hit. Michael drove him back to the ER, where we learned that Joshua's ANC had dropped from 2400 to 800 (500 is an automatic admission to the hospital) Michael called to tell me the doctors in Tucson and Nashville were giving us the choice to be admitted there or come home to be admitted. As much as we love the warm weather in Tucson, we wanted Joshua to be treated by the doctors that know him best.

So, we drove to Pheonix to catch the most direct flight. Joshua did a great job wearing a mask throughout the airport for his protection. (He gets to choose a new toy as soon as we go to Target next!--A good time for bribery, I'd say) He slept the entire 3 1/2 hour flight. He woke up saying, "We forgot to watch a movie." We quickly went home, to repack for the ER here in Nashville. Within about an hour of being off the plane and waiting for a room at Vanderbilt, Joshua's fever had climbed to 103.

We are now back on the 6th floor again waiting for Joshua's counts to start on the upswing. (ANC is about 400 today) Every nurse of doctor that has come in wants to hear a little of our big adventure to Arizona. Joshua just tells them that the prickly pear cactus hurts, but that he told it to leave him alone.

You've Never Heard Anything Like It

My friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Smith, Jr, recently preached at a church in our area, and I've sat weeping in my office for the last 2 hours. That's right, 2 hours. Here's what the big bad preaching professor did - First Baptist Church of Hendersonville has 3 morning services. Dr. Smith refused to repeat his talk. He preached 3 different sermons. The first one was a modest 31 minutes for the early crowd; the second was an hour and 15; the third was a strong hour and a half, and it goes by in a second.

I've been in church my whole life, studied preaching, and heard my share of great communicators. Dr. Smith is the best I've ever heard. It will be worth the time investment for you to listen.

A Toothy Grin

Solacious Appetite

I have heard this phrase used many times and never really knew its exact meaning. Today, I took the time to look it up on dictionary.com . Solacious - affording solace. Solace - comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or trouble; alleviation of distress or discomfort. I can now say that I have seen a solacious appetite first hand. As we've said before, Joshua has to take steroids for 5 days in conjunction with his monthly large chemo treatments. Among the worst side effects of the steroids are huge mood swings and a enormous appetite. I am unsure about the reason for Joshua's need to eat, but I think it mostly comes from a need to comfort himself. My prayer for him is that this appetite can one day be exchanged for a hunger and thirst for Christ himself. For now, it makes for some very interesting days.

Joshua woke up today in a great mood; laughing, giggling, making jokes, and singing songs. Then, the hunger that comes with steroids hit. Today's menu is as follows:

 6:45 - 2 frozen waffles with syrup

 7:00 - fruit cup

 7:10 - corn Chex with blueberries and milk

8:30 - Chik-fil-A drive thru

    We "shared" chicken minis, hashbrowns, and fruit

9:45 - crackers at CBS

11:30 - walks out of CBS talking about plans for lunch

11:35 - falls asleep in the car

12:05 - wakes up as we drive by McAlister's Deli

     (This becomes the new plan)

12:15 - entire Spud Max (pictured above)

 2:30 - bag of popcorn

 3:30 - applesauce

Questions about dinner started immediately after the last snack.

If you are wondering how we let him have this much food, know that for every item eaten, there are requests that are nonstop for even more. Tonight our sweet friend, Sarah is coming to babysit. I hope she is prepared for the mayhem of 'roid rage!

Certainty?

Maybe you’ve had a similar experience to this—you stand at a crossroads in life, and you want to make the wisest choice. So you go out to the woods, or wherever you go to think, and you say to God, “I have two choices here. And I’m not coming out of these trees until you tell me which way to go.” So you sit. As the sun goes down, you hear nothing.

What are you supposed to do with that?

I am beginning to believe that there are very few things in life that we can be absolutely certain of; that at best, most of our decisions have to have the honest tagline associated with them: “I’m pretty sure this is what God wants me to do.” And to take it a step further, I believe God wants it to be that way.

Now I think it should be said that in these decisions, the two options ahead of you aren’t things like, “Should I go pray for an hour or should I rob the local bank?” I’m certain there is certainty in that decision, and I think I can say with confidence that God doesn’t want you to become a career criminal. But what about the choice between 2 jobs, to take a promotion or not, to move to this city or that, or to choose one college over the other? Those decisions aren’t so cut and dry.

We tend to believe that God wants us to be absolutely certain of His will, to charge headlong our decisions absolutely convinced this is the right thing to do. While that would be nice, it’s not real-life. And maybe, just maybe, it’s not even supposed to be.

Wait a minute. Doesn’t that contradict the words of Hebrews 11, the classic definition of faith that is “being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see?” I don’t think so, mainly because all of the people the writer of Hebrews uses to illustrate his point are people that were convinced of some things and not the others. They were convinced God was with them. They were convinced they would have reward in heaven. They were convinced of the eternal reality of their Lord. In short, they were sure of God.

As Mark Batterson puts it in his Threads study, Chase the Lion, there needs to be both a degree of certainty and uncertainty in our spiritual lives. We can be convinced of the reality of Jesus Christ and yet be pretty sure about our career choice. We can be certain about the cross and be reasonable confident about our relationships. In fact, the sureness of God is what enables us to move forward, regardless of our degree of uncertainty.

That forward motion is a better picture of what biblical faith looks like. The word “believe” has a much different connotation in Hebrew than in Greek. In Greek and English, the word means intellectually assenting to a particular set of facts. But in Hebrew, the word can also be translated as “steadfastness.” It’s the same word used in Exodus 17 when Moses raised his hands all day long to enable the Israelites to win a key battle. From that we take that in Hebrew, believing is more about moving forward, action, than it is about an intellectual assent or knowledge.

What does all this mean? To me, it means that because I am sure of God, I have the ability to make decisions. I can move forward steadfastly because I am trusting in God more than in my ability to be sure. It means I can take risks. It means I can trust the wisdom of God more than my own wisdom to choose rightly. It means, I guess, that I can have faith.

And maybe that’s why God doesn’t want certainty in our lives. If we were completely certain about everything, doesn’t that eliminate the need for faith at all? Doesn’t it remove the need for us to be in constant, intimate communication with God? Doesn’t it decrease our dependence on Him? I think it does.

So I’m tired of second-guessing my decisions, worrying about whether I’ve missed the plan of God. I think maybe God is tired of it, too. And maybe, just maybe, what He still wants from me, and from you, as always, is not certainty—it’s faith.

Latest Update

The plan today was for Joshua's monthly check-up, Vincristin, and spinal tap. Because Joshua's spinal tap requires sedation, he has to go to clinic without food or drink. Today Joshua woke up with a stomach ache. I assumed it was either because he was really hungry or there were more issues with his liver. On the drive to the hospital, Joshua continued to complain about his tummy and began to dry heave. I was concerned.

When we arrived at the clinic, Ms. Emily, our nurse, was very kind to us both. She quickly accessed his port and started him on intraveneous fluids. It turns out he was just dehydrated. Dr. Zeiber checked him from head to toe, including all of his numbers, and said she thought he was doing great. She also gave me several suggestions about how to avoid the dehydration on Joshua's next sedation visit. Strangely, she thought it was very likely that this was due to his rapid growth (another quarter of an inch and one pound lost). I guess he just has a very active metabolism right now!

The spinal tap went well, with no complications. By the end of the day, Joshua was eating popcorn and hanging out like any other day.